Entry 23

By Diane S.

“Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account. “ Hebrews 4:13

Honesty.

Being honest with yourself is sometimes very difficult.

This week I have found myself in places I never wanted to go. It’s easier to not think about some things, to pretend they don’t exist, or that they aren’t true.

Unfortunately, eventually you get to a point where you can’t ignore them. You have to deal with them or they just become a constant nagging; a wall separating you from Jesus. When you start praying for God to reveal the messes and the wickedness you have in your heart, you better be ready because I’ve learned the answers you get can be hard. The things you wish you could just keep hiding are suddenly right there in front of you, waiting to be dealt with.

That is a very hard thing to wrap your head around.

Your deepest darkest secrets; your fears; your troubles; your true heart…God knows it ALL. Even if you don’t tell Him, He knows, so what is the point of pretending or hiding? It doesn’t get you anywhere, it’s just something that separates you from your Creator. It eats at your soul, at your heart, and at your mind.

There is so much more freedom in being honest with God and with yourself.

That is where I have been for the last month & even though it’s been painful, I am grateful. Very grateful. The fact is that I can’t build my future until I truly embrace my past, my husband’s past, ask for forgiveness and repent.

So that is what I have done or what I am working on doing anyway.

It’s interesting how much you can learn about yourself when God starts working in your life this way. Over the last month there have been two very important situations that have weighed on my heart that God has guided me through. It has been a painful and heartbreaking month, but it’s also been a healing and freeing one. The last week has been one of the hardest weeks I have had since my husband entered FCI Oakdale. There is a song that has lyrics that say “break my heart for what breaks yours” and I fully understand those words now. I was completely broken for two days and it was painful, the first day I didn’t get out of bed for an entire day. The second day I cried the entire day. It was the only way; I know that God had to bring me to that place and through those places for healing and peace.

I am grateful.

It was hard and it was painful but it was worth it. I don’t think I have ever experienced God’s grace and mercy in such intimate ways as I have over the last few weeks.

God’s not done with me yet. I can’t imagine all the things He has yet to reveal to me & all the sinful things I do that break His heart that I don’t even realize.  My prayer won’t change, even though I know how difficult the answers to those prayers can be, I will still be praying for God to reveal the things in my heart that are dark, wicked and breaking His heart.

It’s where healing begins, at least for me it has been.

There is freedom that only Christ can give when you pray this way and embrace the answers God gives you, no matter what those answers may be. You start realizing that the bitterness you have tried to mask in your heart is breaking away.  If you see someone who hurt you in the past you no longer feel like walking up to them and punching them in the face (I’m guilty of this).

Instead, you truly pray for those people. You pray God works in their lives. You pray for their healing. The old saying “hurt people, hurt people” – I believe is true. Those who are hurt tend to hurt others. I now pray for those people and I truly mean it. My heart really does hurt for those people in my past that have caused me so much hurt but have, themselves, been victims of hurtful situations. I can say with honesty and conviction that I pray for God to soften their hearts and bring them near to Him, to heal their past scars, to give them a future and hope.

Honesty is hard, especially when God is the one revealing the honesty to you.  You can’t run from that….well you can try but you’ll end up like Jonah in the belly of the whale for a few days until you decide God is right. Of course you won’t actually get eaten by a big fish (unless you go to NC and get attacked by the sharks), but hopefully you get my point.

You simply cannot run or hide from God. Ultimately, He will win the battle because God never stops pursuing his children.

So why fight it? It only leaves you exhausted and at the foot of the cross asking for help. There is so much freedom in the honesty God can bring you if ask Him for His help.

I am learning to be free…and it’s a good feeling.

I am learning to be honest with God and myself…and that’s a good feeling too.