By Diane S.
I often wonder lately if this is really my life. I caught myself the other night, while lying on my bed writing Chris a letter, thinking about the facts of my current situation. I can’t seem to shake the overwhelming sense of failure these facts bring about.
I am married. My husband is in jail. My husband will be in jail for 8 years. Sexual immorality put him in jail. I live with my parents. I am 33. I am severely overweight/obese. I am unhappy at this point in my life. I will never have a child of my own. I have no savings account. I live paycheck to paycheck. I cannot afford to live independently.
Those are facts, not just things I think about on days when I struggle with my depression and anxiety. They are facts, unarguable facts. And like I said, they make me feel like a failure and bring about immense sadness deep in my soul that is not healed yet. I don’t know if it’s even begun to heal. Some days just seeing a happy family out eating together rips the wounds wide open again and it’s clear that the healing is very far away.
I see people around me my age who have happy relationships, happy marriages, have kids or are pregnant, and are going on summer vacations. They are living their lives and loving God. They look and seem happy…at least on the outside…at least on the ‘highlight reel’ that we see on social media. I don’t get on social media all that often lately, it just hurts.
I want happiness with my husband. I want to be a normal family with a house, and a yard, and a barbecue grill. I want to be able to have my dog and not be a burden on anyone. I want to post happy pictures on Facebook from random things we do over the weekend.
I’ll never have any of that again.
I covet what others seem to have. It’s wrong. I shouldn’t. It’s sinful. But I struggle.
Every bit of what I just wrote is ridiculous, yet I struggle every day. None of that stuff matters. That stuff is just stuff here on earth. Joy isn’t found in any of that, none of it. It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t change my eternity yet it is controlling my present and holding me in a miserable place. I finally fully understand why “Thou shalt not Covet” is one of the Ten Commandments.
Coveting is so crippling and steals my focus from God. It pulls me away and I drift away from God, ever so slowly, but then I wake up on days like this morning and feel like it’s been weeks since I had a real conversation with God. Of course, it really hasn’t been weeks, it hasn’t even been days.
Still, when I woke up this morning it felt like God was a million miles away from me. I have been reading my Bible every day. I have been saying prayers every day, but I am not sure if they have truly been from the heart. Sometimes it feels like they just bounce off the ceiling; like they go unheard. I know they don’t, but sometimes it feels like it.
I skipped church yesterday. Satan tells me I don’t fit in there and yesterday he won.
Everyone has a husband and kids. I have a job, a husband in jail, a step-son with me every other weekend and a bed at my mom’s. I just don’t have a lot in common with the women who are raising kids daily, have husbands, houses and playdates. It’s hard for me, with my social anxiety and depression, to be in a group setting at all. I almost always feel like I don’t belong in any group setting.
Whether it’s true or not, I always feel that way.
I usually always sit in the back, in the corner if I can, and am mostly quiet. I feel like the outcast in almost all situations lately and it’s not because people make me feel that way, my friends are amazing.
It just so happens I am always the “extra” person in a group, the person who doesn’t have anyone.
No one is there to understand the absolutely ridiculous random thoughts that sometime escape my head. No one is there to break the ice and get the conversation going so I can jump in seamlessly. My husband used to do those things for me.
Everything is harder without him.
I don’t see how I will ever be happy or be able to accept this new life. I know God sees it, but I can’t right now. After the next 8.5 years, then what? What will life be like then? I know I am only supposed to think about today because the overall picture breaks me. Today I can’t keep my thoughts from the future. Our marriage wasn’t perfect before all this. How will it be after it? Will it go back to the way it was prior to the end of 2013, when all of this started? Those weren’t great times either.
I’d be silly to think that just getting out of prison will make the rest of our lives blissful. It won’t.
To be very honest, our entire 7 years together has been hard. There have been good and bad times, and the bad were really rough. There always seemed to be something testing my trust and making me question his love for me. I don’t know why I never left in the earlier years. Well yes I do, because even then God was preparing for this storm. That is another reason I know I am where he wants me to be. Sometimes I think trust is like a mirror and once shattered you will never get it back together without some cracks….but then I know my God is a reconciler and redeemer so we have a shot at this. I have told more than one person that I truly believe that part of God’s reason for this is because he knew it was the only way our marriage could be saved. There is a very good chance had things kept on the path they were before the end of 2013 we would be divorced.
As you can see the last few days have been hard. I have doubted almost every decision I have made and questioned God daily. Is this really where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing?
I know it is, but that doesn’t make the doubts stay away and the hard days any easier. All I know is that I do not like this current situation at all. In fact I may hate it. But I love God and I trust His plan even though it hurts me so much right now. That love and trust is enough to get me through the next hour. After that hour, I’ll work on the next one.
This is another of my favorite songs, the lyrics are so very true: