by Diane S.

Entry Nine

5.19.15

Okay…maybe even good.

I know our journey is just beginning and I am in no kind of way an expert about any of this. All I know thus far is the experience I have had. I’m sure this journey is different for everyone. None are the same, I wouldn’t think. I know there are people who have been through it who DO understand but I would also guess that no two people ever process this sort of thing the same way. In one way or another there are differences, even though they may be very small ones. I talked to one person that said it took a long while before they found themselves laughing again. I laughed yesterday.

So like I said although the journey is similar, it’s so very different for each and every one affected by incarceration.

Today has been an okay day. It may actually be a good day. It’s not over yet so I am not sure how it will end up, but for now it looks alright. What I do know is that it’s after 2 pm in the afternoon and I haven’t cried all day. That hasn’t happened in the last 18 days, maybe longer, but I know for sure the last 18.

I may still have eyeliner on by the end of the work day, but I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

I talked to my husband last night and I didn’t cry (another first). His day yesterday was filled with rain. He didn’t even go to lunch because he didn’t want to get wet. So he just hung around all day in his unit and snacked on the SEVEN large bags of chips he accidentally got from the commissary last week. He didn’t realize he was getting large bags, he thought they were small so now he has a good supply of chips. I found that a bit funny.

They (it’s always they when he talks about what he did that day, never I or me) were watching a St. Louis Cardinals game and it was good game, he had to tear himself away to call me. Gee thanks, ha! At least I know his love for the Cards is still flourishing and as a rule no one interrupts game time so I feel special. He always says his day was “good”. I don’t know if it actually was good or if he just doesn’t want to say anything else and make me worry. In any case, he always seems to sound good when I talk to him so I think his days are at least okay…maybe even ‘good.’

I don’t know why one day, well one hour usually, can be so vastly different than the one before or after it. I haven’t talked to my husband yet today. I haven’t had any news that would make this day better than yesterday (which was a very up and down day). Nothing to speak of has made today any better than the last 18, so there isn’t a clear reason as to why my eyeliner is still intact. I guess sometimes it just happens that way? The more probable reason is that I may be doing a little better with trusting God today and that has made this day okay.

It could also be because I found a ‘bread crumb’ today and didn’t overlook it. I think I have been over looking them lately. But today I noticed. God gave me his grace today when I got a text from a person who has caused quite a bit of heartache through this process. Unsupportive family is a very hard thing for me to deal with but I don’t fault them for it. I understand not everyone can accept this situation and be supportive. It’s still hard for me but as long as they aren’t out-right mean about it I tend to be able to deal reasonably well. Another thing entirely is to be mean-spirited and unsupportive. I will be the first to admit I have not been gracious at all when it comes to dealing with those types of encounters.

I’ve prayed a lot about it.

Today God gave me His grace and I was able to have a pleasant text exchange with a person I haven’t spoken pleasantly with in over 18 months. In fact, some of the exchanges in the last 18 months were out-right awful, and I take the weight of that. No matter what the other person was saying, I should have handled the situation with grace and a Christ like attitude and I did not. I should have prayed about the relationship but I didn’t, until recently. Today I, well we (God & I), did much better with this encounter. I was able to let the past go and I was able to give needed information when asked. I was able to put things aside because I know that my husband needed this relationship to at least be one that could co-exist in my world. I suspect when my husband receives a letter or call from this person it will lift his spirits immensely, and I think that is why I was able to let God guide me during that encounter today.

I’m finding it’s getting easier to let go of things that I have held on to: past hurts, past anger, past grudges. They just don’t seem to have a place anymore. God is working on my heart already and it’s just 14 days into this journey. I feel it and I know it. I wish He hadn’t chosen this exact path to get my attention so clearly and make me give it all to Him, but I am thankful none the less.

It’s not my ideal journey but His plan is better. I trust that. I can’t wait to see what He will do with me in the next 8 years since I am already seeing so much in just 14 days. Every day my eyes and my heart seem to notice a little more.  There will be good from this, and today I feel like I have seen a few glimpses of it. I’m glad I didn’t miss it.

So for right now, today is okay…maybe even good.

Oh and by the way, in a previous post I said it didn’t look it was God’s plan for me to be able to go see my husband this coming up weekend (Memorial Day Weekend). I should know by now not to assume I know what God’s plan is….I will be visiting this week. I’m blessed and things have falling into place this week.

All I can say is…BUT GOD!