“Year One

On May 9, 2011 By Tony CassonIn Uncategorized, Volume 2Leave a comment

“It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” Alexandre Dumas

“…instead give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life.” Romans 6:13 NLT

This past year has been spent falling into step with the Lord and learning to trust His wisdom and accept His love and grace. All daunting tasks, one would think, especially anyone who might know me and know how I have lived my life and conducted myself for the last 40 years.

I am a man now.

Not a better man, mind you, for I was far too immature, self-indulgent, irresponsible, impulsive, and immoral to dare call myself one to begin with.

It has been difficult, at times, to stand before you – most of you unknown to me – and peel away layers of myself to reveal what lay beneath.

It wasn’t always pleasant to see, and it was often painful to do, but I have felt comforted, and guided by the strong hand of God and I truly believe that my words have reached out to at least one person and affected a change.

All I have wanted is to feel that someone has stopped to think about who they are and what they are doing and caught themselves before their world collapsed and their life – and the lives of everyone around them – was forever altered in a truly horrific way.

It has been a year of giving thanks to God for every new day I have, for without His intervention I surely would have died on that lonely shower floor, washed in my own blood, to be buried in my sin and shame.

I found the best of years in the worst of all possible places and the joy of discovery of my manhood, my life, my love of God and my hope for the future at least partly made up for missing the feeling of my arms around those I love and living a “free” life.

For I know now that when my arms do – finally – embrace them, they will love who I am and will welcome this new person into their lives and their hearts.

And at that time I will really be free – finally free from the darkness I wrapped around my soul; and free of the inability to forgive myself for mistakes I have made; and free to love who I am.

And who I am is a child of God who once was lost but now has been found.

“The Faces of Felons: The Face of Richard – In His Own Words”

On May 4, 2011 By Tony CassonIn Volume 22 Comments

‘We pardon in proportion as we love” Frances de la Rochefoucauld

“For Love is as strong as death, its passion as enough as a grave” Song of Songs 8:6 NLT

What you are about to read is more about a triumph of love than the confessions of a man – much like myself – who got caught up in a moral breakdown of mammoth proportions.

His wife, his family, his friends; they all seem like remarkable people, but then, Richard himself seems like a remarkable guy.

Richard is blessed to be loved as he is, not all in here are.

But this is Richard’s face, and these are Richard’s words:

“Leaving you today is so hard”

These are the words of the first letter I received from my wife after I self-surrendered to prison. She described walking back to the care as wading through molassas. As I was cuffed, she said I smiled at her and she knew everything would be okay. Now I have to live up to all that.

When I was arrested I literally prayed I would die. But God doesn’t always answer our prayers the way we’d like. Shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing topped the list of what I felt sitting in the Sherriff’s Office hold cell. How could I have done something so stupid to put my family’s well-being in jeopardy? No good answer came to mind.

Throughout my arrest, I waited. I didn’t know what came next. The phone as broken, the holding cell would hold maybe 20 men: I stopped counting at 60. Body odor, vomit and only one temperamental toilet turned the wait into the type of punishment I felt I deserved. Fourteen hours in these conditions was a long time to contemplate one’s future when seemingly no good options exist.

Unexpectedly, they unlocked the cell and called my name. It was late at night but my wife met me at the gate to take me in her arms. Her words were “I love you, I forgive you, we’ll get you some help”. Me? I just sobbed.

I had no right to occupy one more minute of her life.

When we got home I asked Michelle to kill me. She told me she took all our guns to her Dad’s house before picking me up. I asked her to slap my face, kick me in the crotch and throw my sorry behind in the street. She told me to come to bed so we could spoon. No way was she letting me off that easy.

So where does this depth of love come from? Psalm 8:4 asks this same question of God: “What is man that you are mindful of him. . .?” Why should this woman shackle her future to the stigma of her husband the felon?

As I cool my heels in FCI Oakdale, I am coming to the realization my wife may be the most diabolical woman alive: she is holding me to my responsibilities as a husband, father, grandfather.

Three beautiful daughters, three grandchildren (plus one on the way), her parents, my parents, a whole host of loyal friends and one incredibly special woman are awaiting my release. The easy route is to cut the offending party loose. Not these guys. They expect me to come back home to make this right. God help me.

My name is Richard Roy and I thank Tony for this opportunity to contribute to his body of work.

Transparency is My Solution

On April 23, 2011 By Tony CassonIn Side Story3 Comments

When my dad entered Oakdale, I had two options: hide reality from people around me, or be completely transparent about the situation.

Perhaps the best and worst part about me is my natural tendency to trust people. Instead of making people work for trust first, I give them a healthy amount with which to play–they can either build on that trust or let it crumble.

Friends and coworkers often ask me about my dad; they’ll find out about our blog or hear one of my joking comments and want more information. I tell them what happened. I tell them about his attempted suicide in 2009, and how I flew to Austin, Texas, alone for a Longhorns football game–the one he and I was supposed to see together. I tell them about giving him a kiss and a hug at Dulles International Airport before I flew back to Seattle–days before he walked through Oakdale’s doors. I tell them what he was charged with. I tell them how he’s doing–quite well–and how I’m handling it. I lay everything on the table when they say, “What happened to your dad?”

How can someone hit you if you’re giving him a hug?

Some folks may choose to stay quiet and reduce any risk of getting hurt; vulnerability is a terrible feeling. But I can’t do that. Humans are distinguished from other things because of their emotions and how they are able to control those emotions, and I believe story and truth has greater impact when a person’s emotions get involved. Can it have consequences? Yes. Do I put myself in a risky position? Yes. But I didn’t do what my dad did, and my knowing that is enough for me to be OK with people knowing the whole situation.

Societal reputation is something on my mind at all times. I’m seeking a career in public relations, and reputation is a big part of the job. People have asked me if I think my easy admittance of everything puts my career at risk, and I say, “maybe.” After all, a person might hear my story and think that since I’m Tony’s son we’re the same people. The reality, however, is that I don’t think about that; I love my dad and everything he has done to make himself an improved person. Growth gets my respect, and growth during hard times is worthy of storytelling–but who else will tell the story?

I’m transparent because it’s necessary, and I’m transparent because I’m strong enough, as is my dad.

“The Faces of Felons – Madison’s Daddy”

On February 16, 2011 By Tony CassonIn Volume 22 Comments

by Tony

“Men ought to be most annoyed by the suffering which come from their own faults” Cicero

He is Aaron to me, “Butch” in family circles, but he is ‘Daddy’ to his daughter, Madison, who is 8 – “going on 9” Daddy said.

You may recall from an earlier writing that Aaron’s was the first friendly voice I heard upon arriving in the housing unit. The friendly voice belongs to a 33-year old, cherubic-faced man of Polish/Irish descent with red hair and glasses who possess a higher-than-average intelligence, a better-than-average- intelligence, and a better-than-average sense of humor and has a stronger-than-average support system awaiting for him back in South Carolina where he is from and where he will return when he is released from prison in another 36 months. Continue reading ““The Faces of Felons – Madison’s Daddy”” →

“A Note of Thanks”

On January 31, 2011 By Tony CassonIn Side Story3 Comments

I would like, first of all, to thank my sister’s husband, Larry, for volunteering to help Anthony unburden himself from typing some of my ramblings so that he may also focus more on his schooling, his work and being a young man.

My brother (he told me to drop the ‘in-law’) is a wonderful man and I am grateful to him for many things – not just this. My sister Kathy, too. I am blessed, truly.

As for Anthony – well to him I owe more than I can ever repay. For a father to ask a child to type is his words as he described his attempt to end his own life; as he describes his pain and his demons; as he tries to make a sense out of things that make no sense and explain the unexplainable – all I can say is I simply could not be more in awe of his strength, his sense of humor, his honesty, and his love, and I could not be more proud of him than I am.

There could be no greater wealth a man can have than the riches of the love and devotion my son has shown me. I am humbled by how great he is to me. He is a giant in my eyes and I will be eternally grateful to him for all that he has done, all that he has sacrificed, all that he is.

I love you, my son.

I’m sorry you have to live through this with me., but I am glad you stand beside me, and I will make things right. It’s an honor and a priviledge to know you – your Grandmother would be – is proud.

As for all of you who are kind enough to read all that has been written to this point and, hopefully, will stick around to see what happens next – THANK YOU!

Tony

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures though every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT

Evil is Seductive: Part 4

On September 8, 2010 By Tony CassonIn Volume 2Leave a comment

By Tony Casson

I know I asked God to look after my mother, and I thanked him for giving her to me. I also asked him to look after my children, and thanked him again.

Apologizing for being less of a human than I should have been, I then asked him for forgiveness.

I prayed for all of the people who looked up to me–who respected me–who loved me, and would now feel betrayed by and disappointed in me. Continue reading “Evil is Seductive: Part 4” →